The Good Life Gets Even Better

Is it safe for a northern man to come to Florida?

This provocative question was posed in 1872 to one J.S. Adams, Florida’s first commissioner of immigration, for a book titled A Guide to Florida, the Land of Flowers (Invaluable to the Invalid, Tourist or Emigrant).

Adams responds, “The answer is, there is no sort of danger whatsoever. The immigrant of good character and habits will be readily received by all.”

Whew! That’s good news. Still, the good commissioner advises, one must take it slow:

“Southern men and women cannot be expected suddenly to absolve themselves from the domination of those trains of political thought and those prevalent social notions that have ruled them for years, or to sympathize at once with the political ideas of a triumphant radicalism.

“Northern men and women who sequester themselves diligently from all social intercourse with old residents will be allowed thus to indulge their social predilections without hindrance.”

Is he saying that if Northern men and women simply keep a low profile and their predilections to themselves, we inhabitants will let them live? Just kidding. Some of my best friends are Northerners. In fact, dear Northern friends, I hope that, as Season comes to a close and you embark on your return trip home, you will leave with warm feelings for the natives here. With a few notable exceptions, we kind of like your “triumphant radicalism;” therefore, you are hereby absolved of having to sequester yourselves.

Anyway, this 138-year-old book is packed with useful bits of advice. A few samples, with my comments in parentheses:

“Alligator hunting is a sport peculiar to these southern latitudes and can be enjoyed to perfection along the rivers, lakes and lagoons of Florida. The expense is not much and the amusement is prodigious.” (Oops.)

“Invalids should not be tempted on warm, bright days to lay aside thick shoes and comfortable clothing. They should always be clad in woolen clothing.” (Ask your doctor if a woolen bikini is right for you.)

“No American need seek an Italy across the waters, when one lies here, almost within a day’s travel.” (How very prescient, considering that at that time the state of Florida ended at Charlotte Harbor, and Naples did not yet exist!)

“Mosquitoes flourish in the summer season, as they do everywhere else, but are less voracious than the Jersey breed.” (Ha! Take that, Jersey!)

And here’s my favorite:
“A consequence of the evenness of the temperature is the very delightful salubrity of the nights in the sultriest season of the year, by which the body is refreshed, the sleep rendered sound, and the natural faculties are restored to vigor.”

(See? I’ve been telling you for years that it’s not heat and humidity—it’s sultriness. Okay, that sultriness may be a tad unkind to my curly hair, but we have products for that. And perhaps the author put a little PR spin on the “restored to vigor” part, but nowadays, we have cosmetic surgeons for that.)

Coincidentally, i was over at the Naples Cosmetic Surgery Center the other day, where Dr. Andrew Turk threw a party to unveil the latest, ah, wrinkle in the field: the futuristic Vectra 3D Face and Breast Sculptor. It works like the Photoshop of cosmetic surgery. The doctor takes a three-dimensional image showing all your angles (none good). Then, with the help of a big screen and a virtual-reality scalpel, poof—your own avatar! Your hollow cheeks are plumped out, neck smoothed, sags vanquished and lips restored to vigor. The good news is, you get to admire your gorgeous, younger, restored profile as it will be after Dr. Turk works his real scalpel magic. The not-so-good news is that the evil little machine also has the technology to project your face into the future; that is, what you will look like down the road if you elect to let nature take its course.

Perhaps you just came to the party to scarf down the jumbo shrimp and decadent petit fours (which nobody else is eating because, well, we’re in a plastic surgeon’s office, and everybody’s probably checking out your cellulite). Maybe you’re only here to sneak a peek at the possibilities, and possibly win the drawing for a complimentary Botox treatment, teeth whitening or facial- line filler. In that case, poof! Your beautiful new avatar will be deleted (but thankfully, so will your ancient future self), and you get to go home looking exactly the way you came in.  

While I sock away my nickels for the Big Fix sometime around 2015, I intend to enjoy this last “official” month of Season and our sultry slide into summer—hollow cheeks, frizz and all. I’ll slather my hair with a dab of Hush (that’s Southern for “calm down, y’all”) Frizz Zero Mousse, and I’m good to go. Look for my 2010 face and practically calm hair down at the beach. I’ll be watching the kiteboarders grab the last of the spring breezes for their daredevil antics with tiny boards and colorful, parachute-like kites.  

I also plan to spend quite a bit of time lounging about in the Salt Cave of Naples. Really. Just opened this spring, this strange and wonderful “cavern” actually simulates the microclimate of European salt mines, where centuries ago, mine workers were amazed to find relief from respiratory ailments, skin conditions and more serious health issues. The walls, ceiling and floor are covered in pure Himalayan pink salt, which is also blown into the air in ultra-fine particles. Halotherapy, it’s called. I popped in recently just out of curiosity, and all I can say is that after 20 minutes in “the cave,” my frizzy hair was gone. The frizz, that is—not the hair. Definitely worth more investigation. Stay tuned. Meanwhile, breathe deeply, enjoy our salubrious Paradise, and savor every moment.

If You’re Curious
Dr. Andrew Turk, Naples Cosmetic Surgery Center: (239) 348-4357,
www.naples-csc.com  
Salt Cave of Naples: (239) 403-9170, 
www.saltcave.us