Gulfshore Drives

But back then, a man in a suit was successful; a man in bib coveralls was a worthless lout without a prospect in the world. Today, the man in coveralls has cows grazing on $20-an-acre greenbelt land worth millions for development and the man in the suit wants to sell you Amway products. And that guy in shorts and Birkenstocks? He bailed out of Enron just in time and bought a condo on Marco Island. Clothes, you see, no longer suffice as societal separators. John T. Malloy is as gone as Joe DiMaggio.

In the present casual dress climate, and especially in South Florida, clothing doesn't reveal the real you nearly as well as your vehicle.

Yes, your vehicle.

More than what you wear, your choice of vehicle bespeaks who you are. It defines you to those in the know, like me. I've spent more than a dozen years now test driving and reviewing almost every vehicle sold in the United States. I've drawn conclusions, and I can tell all sorts of things about you just by seeing the car you drive. Once I let you in on this treasure trove of valuable information, you will never approach vehicle buying the same way again.

Remember: You are not just buying a car. A minivan. A sport utility. A truck. You are buying a frame for your mobile persona. Those who see you pass may not hold up cards reading "10" or "6.5" at stoplights, but they are nonetheless judging you based on your chariot. Oh, yes.

The choices are many. The decision is yours. You are what you drive. Find yourself in our guide, and you'll have nothing to Saab about with your next vehicle.

Patron of the Arts

A successful life has its rewards. Helping cultural organizations grow and prosper is all well and good, but it's OK to let the world see what artful taste you personally have-and what a work in progress your life still is. You can do that with the one vehicle brand that stands tallest among successful people-Mercedes-Benz.

Now, there are numerous truly impressive luxury cars. Lexus, Infiniti, Acura, Cadillac, Lincoln, Jaguar, BMW, Audi. All excellent. Not one, however, conveys the instant status of a Mercedes-Benz.

Malloy might understand that a Mercedes-Benz-white, black or silver -is the navy blue suit of cars, albeit the finest navy blue suit money can buy. It will wear well on you no matter the destination.

But which Mercedes-Benz? There are many models, including a new small C-series coupe selling for under $30,000. But let's move on to where you belong, at the head of the class. You want an S-series.

You are not into open-air motoring. You bring friends along on many occasions, so a two-door model is inappropriate. You say "No, thank you" to sport utility and station wagon models. You want a car the valet always parks in the first row, out front. You want a rock-solid Mercedes-Benz S sedan. The best: the Mercedes-Benz S600.

It simply has everything in its favor: comfort, safety, performance, handling.

Consider safety first: The S600 has dual front air bags, side air bags, a window-bag head protection system that runs the length of the interior on both sides, anti-lock brakes, traction control, an electronic stability system that prevents skidding, and a unique feature called Teleaid. If the car is in an accident, an onboard computer system knows instantly and sends an SOS to a Mercedes call center. Using the satellite-assisted Global Positioning System, the call center knows exactly where you are- even if you're deep in the woods near your country home.

The call center operator will attempt to call you through the car's hands-free Nokia phone system. If you do not respond, emergency vehicles are ordered to the accident scene.

You, of course, will always know where you are and how to get anywhere, thanks to a sophisticated on-board navigation system. The system understands your voice commands, so you don't have to press buttons while driving. You can also voice-command the Bose audio system, among the finest in the world.

Mercedes is first to offer an automated cruise control system that varies car speed based on proximity to the car ahead. By itself, cruise control is wonderful, but what if the car ahead slows slightly? With all other cars, you must touch your brakes, disabling cruise control, then resume cruising speed when possible. In the S600, radar from the front of the car is used to measure the distance to the car ahead and a computer adjusts your vehicle speed as needed.

All of this has combined to make these Mercedes models the top choice of many auto writers. Several years ago, I wrote what I called the auto writer's prayer in connection with a test review of an M-B car: "Dear Lord, if I'm ever in an accident, let me be driving a Mercedes-Benz." I've received many e-mails saying someone bought a Mercedes model because of it.

I'm convinced that Mercedes-Benz will someday offer a car that a blind person can drive. M-B's radar systems, on-board computers, navigation system and voice commands will come together so that anyone can get behind the wheel, command a destination, and the car will travel there. Such aids will also allow a driver to sleep, watch television, use a computer, read a book, all while en route to a vacation destination. Unnerving to think about, perhaps, but it will become possible. And you can bet that when it is possible, Mercedes-Benz will offer it first.

YOUNG DOCTOR (RETIRED EARLY) MALONE

You could buy a "Bond, James Bond" Aston Martin. You could buy a Mercedes-Benz 600SL. You could buy an "I'm-in-a-mid-life-crisis" Corvette. But you're not Bond; you're not ready for Just for Men Dark Brown; and you would prefer not to advertise to the world that you're reliving an adolescent speed fantasy in a car you can't even enter or exit gracefully.

We have just the piece of vehicular body armor for you. The Porsche Boxster S.

The Boxster S is all the car anyone will ever need, unless he is going for another doctorate, this time at the Bob Bondurant School of High Performance Driving. (Why do I use the masculine pronoun here? Because Porsche has the highest percentage of male buyers on earth. A Porsche is overwhelmingly-more than 90 percent-a male purchase.)

First there was the Boxster, a splendidly designed retro two-seater that conjured up visions of James Dean's Porsche Spyder cruising down a lonely California highway on Sept. 30, 1955. With the Boxster, you almost became James Dean. Almost.

But the base Boxster was as underpowered by today's standards as that Spyder of Dean's. The Porsche Spyder, speedy for its day, did 0-to-60 in about 8.4 seconds. Today, a lot of sedans are quicker. The Boxster needed a boost. Thus we now have the Boxster S, which you could say stands for sport or speed, take your pick.

I can tell you from experience that if I'm driving a Jaguar, other Jaguar drivers who pass me will look away. They refuse to recognize my existence or that we both bought and are driving the same expensive car. It's like two women at the ball wearing the same exclusive designer gown. Omigod.

Not Porsche drivers.

Porsche drivers have arrived. They know it. You know it. They have joined the fraternity of Ima Gotta Mine. And they will recognize you, fellow frat brother, with a wave. Not since the days of the early VW Beetles have drivers saluted each other this way. Testing a Porsche is a joy. Other Porsche drivers assume I'm a doctor, lawyer or Merrill Lynch advisor who got out before the bubble burst, and they greet me as one of them. I'm always reluctant to tell them I test-drive cars for a living. It's such a letdown. If I just had my own TV show, maybe then...

There's nothing to complain about with the Boxster S. The seats fit your bottom like a hand in a driving glove, the controls are all at hand, and it doesn't overwhelm with gizmos or heavy-duty clutches and two-handed gear shifters. It's just a joy to be behind the wheel, anywhere, anytime. And when the weather is nice, drop the ragtop. Find a tree-canopied road. Feel the wind caress your face, listen to the harmony of the exhaust note, take in the stroboscopic light show as you pass beneath arching branches.

If there is a better time on four wheels than time spent in a Porsche, I've yet to discover it.