Victoria Ho and her husband and partner, John Asbell, met on opposite sides of the courtroom more than 10 years ago. (The two insist that there are no winners and losers in divorce cases, so neither will say whom the judge found more persuasive). Sometime after that case, Asbell decided his family law practice needed a female attorney, and Ho was the best one he knew. The couple married two years ago. Located in downtown Naples, Asbell & Ho has become the largest family law firm in Southwest Florida, and the duo has won a reputation for fierce advocacy that is belied by their soft-spoken, genial manner. A self-described egghead, Ho is an expert in alimony law and writes frequently for legal journals. Although the two wouldn't comment on specific cases, they agreed, in this month of love and romance, to talk about trends in divorce, memorable settlements and why the course of true love never did run smooth.

Gulfshore Life: How much does revenge play into alimony requests? Can emotion be taken out of it?

Ho: That's what alimony guidelines would do: Make it numerical. Florida is a no-fault state. You don't get whacked by the court if you decide to leave, or if either party has had an affair, or has done whatever dirty deed. But those types of issues affect the judge, so that's something that you bring up if you think it will affect the overall ruling.

Some states have moved away from the no-fault statutes. Should Florida?

Ho: Sometimes you'll see situations where you say, "Oh, my gosh, this is so bad that a judge should hear about this." But overall, no-fault has caused less litigation.

Asbell: Ending no-fault would be a terrible mistake. It would be nothing more than a lawyers' relief act.

Does affluence affect how long it takes to settle a case?

Asbell: The monetary size of the case doesn't necessarily indicate how long it will last. It really depends upon the complexity of the finances and the attitude of the parties.

What percentage of your cases are acrimonious?

Ho: Some cases come in acrimonious and settle down, and then they're settled. Other cases come in and they think they've got a deal, and they just blow up. Overall, I think we settle 80 to 90 percent-probably 90 percent. Even though we see more cases settle, the ones that don't settle are litigating harder. They're multi-issue cases with trust issues, other tort issues or other civil-litigation allegations. Sometimes criminal issues-such as perjury and fraud-appear more often in the hotly contested cases.

Does having a prenuptial agreement help?

Ho: Sometimes having a prenuptial agreement causes a divorce, ultimately, because the couple can't get over the feelings that were created when the prenuptial agreement was negotiated and signed. If they are well-drafted agreements, validly executed and drawn up and signed voluntarily with full financial disclosure, then a prenuptial is a great help to precluding litigation.

Asbell: If there is not a mutual perception of fairness, that issue will raise its ugly head sooner or later.

Do you see any unusual custody arrangements?

Ho: Equal child sharing is becoming more common than it was in the past. Fathers today, younger fathers, tend to be more active in their children's lives than probably their parents were. Fathers having primary custody is becoming a little more common.

Is there a trend toward husbands being awarded alimony?

Ho: I know throughout the country that's the case. I haven't seen it. Usually there's bias against that held by everyone, including the husbands who could ask for alimony.

Asbell: I've had alimony awarded on a couple of occasions. It's generally a higher-earning professional woman and a husband who makes much less and may spend more time with the children. The alimony statute is sex neutral, so you're going to see that happen more frequently.

Men say women get everything in a divorce; women say men get everything. Who is right?

Ho: When there isn't enough money to go around, neither party gets enough. Often women who are awarded primary residential parent status will receive child support, and women who have been at home for a long time with children and who have a spouse who can pay alimony might receive child support and alimony. So that's where that attitude comes from, that women get so much. On the other hand, men who have high-earning careers, many times, even when they are paying alimony and child support, still have a higher standard of living after the marriage than their former wives.

Do people argue over who gets even relatively trivial things?

Ho: We always say that in a deal where you've settled millions of dollars, it's the argument over personal property that will make it fail. It's a set of china, a painting.

Season tickets?

Asbell: I just did season tickets to a pro football team in the Midwest. There's really a simple way to do it. One year a person gets to pick the first game, and the next person picks the next two games, and then you alternate. There's always one great game, so it tends to make it fair.

Who came up with that?

Asbell: I think I did, being a football fan.

Does it offer your clients something to have both the male and female perspective?

Asbell: I don't believe that her perspective and mine are much different on cases, because we do represent both men and women. I think you do tend to have a different take or sensitivity to certain issues.

Ho: He has more of a sensitivity toward football issues.

You have a reputation as being fierce advocates.

Ho: The magic formula to success in litigation is preparation. You know the law, you know the facts, and you lay it all out in an organized manner to assist the judge. We call it straight in terms of what the law is on the basis of the facts presented in each case, and then we're firm on that. Other people can interpret that any way they wish, but that's the intent. Where I can settle it, I'll happily do that, and if I can't, I'm very happy to bring it to the judge.

What misconceptions do people have of your profession?

Ho: The image of a slick lawyer who's trying to just grab as much and leave as little on the table as possible. We're family law attorneys. So our concern, especially if there are minor children, is how can we resolve this situation so that everyone is OK.

Asbell: If we were to attain a result that was clearly one-sided, it would leave a bitterness among the parties that would impact them and their children for the long term.

What do you do if you discover your client has lied to you?

Ho: We part ways.

Asbell: We don't need to represent those people. We don't want clients who are going to be dishonest, who are going to hide assets. These sorts of things happen, but they can do it with another law firm.

Who's your ideal client?

Ho: A client who can separate the emotional from the financial. A lot of times people will struggle with their relationship issues, sometimes longer before they come to see a divorce attorney, sometimes shorter, so they're in different stages of the process.

Does it surprise you when people are clueless about problems in their marriage?

Asbell: They are getting a divorce, so apparently they haven't been good at communicating these sorts of issues.

But you must want to say.

Ho: Where were you?

Asbell: I've said that before-how could you not have known?

Do you ever tell people to go back home, they haven't tried hard enough?

Asbell: Oh, many, many times.

Ho: The first question we ask is, "Are you sure this marriage is over?"

Asbell: The second question is, "What efforts have you made to try to save the marriage?" We want to hear those answers before we hear anything about finances.

Ho: Sometimes there's a perception that divorces are more quickly and flippantly entered into in this day and age, and we don't see that.

Asbell: No one I have ever seen in 30 years has ever entered into a divorce lightheartedly.

Is there a place where people can catch themselves between "I'm vaguely unhappy" and "I want a divorce"?

Ho: It boils down to respect and trust. Once the trust is gone, if there's been some kind of betrayal, it's the unusual marriage that can survive that.

Asbell: Trust that a person will be faithful, trust that a person will be financially responsible, trust that a person will treat you in a kindly and respectful manner. When that trust is totally lost, it is extremely difficult to put a marriage back together. I have seen a few people overcome situations that you can't imagine. I admire them because they have a character that the rest of us just don't have.

Ho: I only admire them if they're happy.

Asbell: I'm assuming they're happy.

Is there an affair-proof marriage?

Ho: No. That's like saying "Is there a sin-proof person?" The affair itself is just a symptom of something in the relationship that's gone awry.

Do you ever see spouses reunite after divorce?

Asbell: Yes. And then we've helped some of them untie the knot a second time.

Is it too easy to get married?

Ho: A lot of times people say they got married after knowing their spouse for three days or six weeks, and it's really hard to know anyone in that period of time. Observe the person you're thinking about marrying for the rest of your life in the tough situations, not just the fun situations.

Do you ever wish you could put yourselves out of business?

Ho: Oh, absolutely. But human nature such that it is, it's hard to see that ever happening. What I have seen is that people seem to get married in love and with hope that it's going to last forever. The vast majority of the people that we counsel try so hard to do the right thing that I just wish we could take some of the shame and blame out of the process.

Asbell: There is life after divorce, even though people doubt that there is. My experience has been that when the process is over and time passes, most people are happier, much happier.

Ho: We've both been married before, and speaking for myself, I come to the process with a large amount of humility. I think it helps us be more compassionate and more patient, especially more patient. What we try to do is help people through this process with some modicum of grace and dignity, to get through it knowing all their legal rights, having it done fairly and equitably, but done in a way that causes the fewest scars. And that means fairness with the money, too.

Asbell: But the perception of fairness is always different. That's the problem.

Ho: That's the rub.

Do you have a prenuptial agreement?

Ho: We do not.

Asbell: We don't, and it never was an issue.

Ho: No, it never was an issue. I think it's because we come to the marriage with parity. I'm sure everyone in town thinks we have one three inches thick.

Asbell: I know they do.

How is it that neither of you seems at all cynical about what you do?

Asbell: It's too serious and we see too much pain that people go through to be cynical about it. If I were going to be cynical I would have to stop and do some other type of law.

Ho: What I see is people picking themselves up and moving forward, hoping for a better quality of life for them and for their children. I focus on that.