Rednecks and Bluebloods

October. A very strange time here on the Gulfshore. It's not exactly summer, though it still feels like it. It can't be fall, because, well, we don't have one. And it's not the other half of the year, Season, because that doesn't start until after Thanksgiving. October is when certain seasonal residents slip quietly into town to oversee decorating and landscaping projects, resolve household staff issues, secure some standing tee times and salon appointments, then slip just as quietly away. It's the month when, forever more, we'll keep an eagle eye on every wave swell down in the Caribbean, and make sure any dead limbs and shaky roof tiles are attended to.

This is the month when newly crowned Swamp Buggy Queen Jennifer Frostad will take her first dunk-gown, crown and all-in the Mile O' Mud Sippy Hole. Eat your hearts out, little boys aged two to 82. It's the gunkiest, soppiest mud hole in all of Florida and the Real Big Boys (and a couple of girls, by the way) get to drive in it-at speeds up to 80 miles an hour-in the loudest, biggest-wheeled, meanest truck-like swamp-eating vehicles this side of a Marvel Comic book. Their names say it all: Frog-Spit, Hi-Tech Redneck, El Meaño and, oh yes, the one with the real alligator head painted UF-Gator orange, called Bite Me. The Swamp Buggy Races, which include queen-dunking and two days of serious partying for the racers and 6,000 of their closest friends, take place three weekends a year at the Florida Sports Park. If you're going, you might as well get the $50 VIP package, which provides a guided tour of the pits (I'm not kidding)-plus grandstand seating at the Saturday time trials and Sunday races, the Saturday night dance and a buffet piled high with redneck vittles.

Oh, and in case you were thinking of commissioning your own personal swamp buggy, the kickoff parade through Old Naples offers fine decorating inspiration. You've got your deer antlers, your stuffed Tasmanian devils, your camouflage, your hot pink stripes (the girly ones) and your gator-poachin' gun racks. Once you've nailed down the décor, you can check in with past champion and master swamp buggy builder, Lonnie Chesser, to talk the fine points of tire treads, planetaries versus axles, gear reduction and the like. A Chesser Original half-ton swamp buggy will set you back about $50,000.

Note to aspiring Swamp Buggy Queens: It's not all about the glamour and the mud. There's some nice college scholarship money involved. Reigning Queen Jennifer, a student at Florida Gulf Coast University, also offers this fashion tip: a dark gown is probably best.

For haute couture without the mud, time's getting short to choose your millinery for Hats in the Garden, the glamorous garden party and luncheon, with a fashion show by Marissa Collections, at the Naples Botanical Garden in early November. Patterned after the legendary annual affair in Central Park's Conservatory Garden in New York City, which raises buckets of money and dominates the society pages, it's all about upsweeps and sidesweeps, feathers and quills, organza and ribbons, veils and flowers. Not, of course, all at the same time, though if you were in attendance at the Royal Ascot in Windsor last summer you may have seen several creations that seriously attempted this feat. The Queen Herself wore a simple royal blue pillbox to match her royal blue dress. Her Majesty Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor may, of course, do anything she pleases, but frankly, my sources say, hat-and-dress-matching is ever so passé.

I do adore hats, especially the ones that might add a bit of presence to my five-foot-zero frame. But if the Queen of the British Empire can't get it right, I thought it best to seek expert advice. I turned first to Siggi Hats of London, the official milliner to the Ascot races, the Derby and the Melbourne Cup. The Web site showcases quite an artistic selection of hand-blocked, hand-finished confections. Passing over the cherry-red, ice-cream-cone-shaped freestyle number featuring four acres of swirly chiffon, and a couple that looked quite a bit like lampshades and pagodas, I fell in love with "Samantha," an asymmetric little lavender number trimmed in rosettes, soft veiling and flowers. It can be mine for $1,184 plus shipping. Hmmm, mortgage or hat, hat or mortgage? Maybe not.

For this year's millinery trunk showing prior to Hats in the Garden, Marissa has managed to snag-among others-American milliner Marcia Drummond, also known as Mona the Mad Hatter, whose clientele includes movie stars and many prominent members of D.B.E. (Daughters of the British Empire, dearie). Marcia/Mona makes every hat from scratch, including hand-stitching, hand-blocking, and never, ever a store-bought flower or-heaven forbid-a glue gun. Her collection for Hats in the Garden patrons, she tells me, will showcase her own invention: wide brims to keep out the Naples sun, and open crowns to keep the head cool. Endless embellishments, including raw silk, crinkled silk, hand-selected feathers from Australia-or your own favorite jewel or that scrumptious sari silk you picked up in India-can be incorporated into your custom chapeau. And at a very reasonable $500 or less. As to fit, well, Mona was in Naples recently to train Marissa fashion consultants in the art of head-measuring.

The Naples Botanical Garden will bloom hats on Nov. 8; call (239) 643-7275. The Swamp Buggies roar and the Queen gets dunked Oct. 28 and 29; call (239) 774-2701.

Rednecks and bluebloods, coexisting in perfect harmony. I told you it was a crazy month.

Till next time, savor the moment.