Insights
Kellie Burns-Garvey

I got pregnant with my first and only child at the ripe old age of 37 (the new 27) and thought, "I waited a long time to have a baby. I am going to stay home and raise him." I imagined myself doing all the things I never got around to as a career woman. The things I thought all stay-at-home moms did: take my child to the park, have lunch with my girlfriends, go to the gym, shop and catch up on lots of reading, all the while raising my adorable little son who would cooperate every step of the way.

Boy, was I wrong! First of all, Jack never got the memo about my schedule. My body was too tired to go to the gym; my friends were all too busy with their own families or jobs to have lunch; and books? Are you kidding? Who had time to read? The only books I opened centered around Thomas the Tank Engine.

Don’t get me wrong, I am the luckiest person on the planet, blessed with a healthy son and devoted husband. I didn’t have the pressure of being the primary bread winner. When Jack cried, I could hold him, and I was able to take the time to breastfeed him. But being a mom was a lot harder than the books said it would be. I felt like I was living the movie Groundhog Day … the same thing day after day after day.

It was months before I surfaced for air. I could not imagine letting another person care for my child (I think it has to do with my control issues. The same things that make you successful professionally can mean your demise as a parent.) I finally realized, after a year of devotion to the one thing that made me weak in the knees, the first thing in my life that made me feel vulnerable, that I needed to find something for me, too.

But i wondered, how does a mother stay devoted yet find the balance to be a whole person? To feel like she is contributing to her son’s future and to society as a whole? I realized I missed the news business, which had been my whole life B.J. (Before Jack). I missed bringing home a paycheck, and I missed taking a shower before noon!

With much trepidation, hesitation and, yes, a bit of excitement, I went back to work a few months ago. The perfect opportunity presented itself, and after many sleepless nights and hours of discussion with my husband, I took it. Don’t think I wasn’t wracked with guilt. There were many times that I sat in the parking lot, crying to my mom on the phone after I dropped a cheerful Jack off at school. I felt like I was abandoning him, even though he was only there for four hours a day.

But my boss had offered me the opportunity of a lifetime: One of my closest friends and co-workers could share a job with me. Jessica Stilwell Cabrera was a new mom, too, and she was finding the task of balancing a full-time job with her twin girls was too much. Here was a chance for both of us to continue doing what we loved so much: working as journalists while still having time for our children.

Women today have so many choices, but sometimes I envied my mom’s generation. She stayed home with us because that’s just what moms did. She never struggled with the sacrifice of being a stay-at-home mom, because her choices were limited. My generation is going back to that, but not without regret. Some of my closest friends are nurse practitioners, news anchors, sales executives and news producers who gave up profitable, exciting careers to stay home and raise their children. I thought it would be great, easy, fun, fulfilling. The sacrifice is immeasurable, and I never knew.

One of the women I admire most is my mother-in-law, who raised six smart, successful and kind children. She never regretted a moment and says her happiest days were at home with her family. She was a child of the Depression, grateful to live in a nice house with a loving husband who earned a good living. That was enough. But because they wanted more for their children, that generation raised kids who wanted more. We want the loving husband, great kids, nice house and something for ourselves. Is that wrong? Only a mom can answer that for herself.

As for Jessica and me, we are still struggling to find the perfect balance. Sharing a job, hoping to make a contribution to society, feeling like we are a part of something greater, and, in the meantime, be the best peanut-butter-and-jelly-making, diaper-changing, hugs-and-kisses moms we can be. We’ll let you know how it all works out!