Mastering the New Etiquette

When it comes to good manners, you may know which fork to use and when to send a "thank you" note, but what's the proper thing to say to a friend who has obviously undergone major cosmetic surgery? Your children may say "please" and "yes, sir," but how do you monitor their bewildering abbreviated text messaging?

In our modern, fast-paced, technology-driven society, more and more people are recognizing a desperate need to restore civilized behavior. E-mail hostility, cell phone extravagance, mixed families, second marriages, same-sex marriages, road rage and foul language may challenge our efforts to act properly. But Judith Martin, who writes the "Miss Manners" column (syndicated to most major U.S. newspapers), says that's no excuse to be rude.

"In any day's society, if you don't want people killing one another, they need to get along," says Martin, who recently released the freshly updated Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior. "We have to learn to avoid antagonizing one another beyond endurance."

In a recent survey, the Emily Post Institute found that 81 percent of respondents say we are less civil than we were 20 years ago. "We're kind of in fast-forward right now," says Peggy Post, current spokeswoman and author for the institute. "People don't stop and realize there are other people in the world around them."

While there are fewer formal rules these days, we still have a basic code of decency when dealing with one another in these hurried times. We asked five etiquette experts for their advice on upgrading our manners in the areas that concern us most today. What we found, overwhelmingly, is that it's not so much knowing proper table setting, but, rather, cultivating a desire to do something quite simple: be nice.

Seasoned Greetings

Since most of us in Southwest Florida come from elsewhere, we're often looking to make new friends. Our different backgrounds may have taught us varying ways to greet one another: a nod, a handshake, a hug or, with increasingly popular European flair, the kiss hello.

"Social kissing can make some people feel really uncomfortable," says Post. "If so, you can put your hand out to shake and counteract the kissing. Or you can turn your face and offer your cheek, but then we have people smashing heads."

If you decide to let someone plant one, kiss on the right cheek, and you'll both avoid collision. Or, you can quickly "air kiss" to keep from smudging lipstick as well, says the 17th edition of Emily Post's Etiquette, written by Peggy Post.

When making introductions, focus on acknowledging people, and don't get hung up if you forget someone's name.

"If you can't remember their name, say, 'tell me your name again,' or find out from someone else," Post says. "The worst thing to do is ignore people and not introduce them."

Once engaged in conversation, it's more important than ever to maintain eye contact. We're not in Hollywood, so stop looking for the next big celebrity.

"That, to me, is the biggest breech of etiquette," says Wilma Boyd, president and CEO of Preferred Travel of Naples, and the founder of the Wilma Boyd Career School in Pittsburgh. "People know when you're doing that, and when you're not sincere."

Electronics and the Decline of Human Relations

You're convinced that a super-thin cell phone, a multifunctional PDA, a sleek laptop or another sparkly gadget will help you to stay connected. But never has something that looks so cool made so many people lose their cool.

"There's such a thing as private-public space," says Mary Mitchell, a business-etiquette consultant and author of The Complete Idiots Guide to Etiquette. "When you get on a bus or a train or an airplane and you're talking loudly on your cell phone, you're commanding everyone else's attention. Even though you're in a public space, you're invading other people's privacy."

If you must take a call in public, keep it short and don't yell into the phone. Don't use your phone where it's not permitted or expected (hospitals, airplanes, movies, etc.), turn off your ringer in quiet places and don't forget those you are with. If you're expecting a call while you're visiting others, let them know it's coming.

E-mail also takes its toll on our interpersonal skills. "One of the biggest things companies are trying to resolve," says Mitchell, "is employees who explode on a regular basis because we have so fewer interactions personally, and people don't understand how to disagree in a civilized way."

There's yet another problem with e-mail, says Mitchell: clear communication. Indeed, the actual words of communication usually account for only 8 percent of the entire message. With e-mail, we don't get inflection, body language or facial expression.

"There are companies now that actually are having e-mail-free Fridays," Mitchell says.

But don't blame technology for all the problems that might develop, says Martin. "When new toys come along, people think there are no etiquette rules attached to them. Or they make the mistake of believing the thing itself is rude," she says. "It's nice to have new toys; you just have to use them politely."

Wow, What an Improvement!

So what do you say to that friend who has repositioned her face or certain body parts with the help of modern medicine? The answer is a resounding, "You look great." And leave it at that.

"I wouldn't get into making comparisons," says Post. "And the same goes for weight loss. Let the person bring it up . take your cues from them."

Another surprise encounter that can throw people off is seeing an acquaintance with a new date. This potentially juicy new detail in the person's life should be handled with decorum.

"If you don't know the other person, you don't have to ask questions. Be genuinely happy for them," Post says. "And if it's your date, you don't have to say, 'this is my partner or my lover.' Just say, 'this is John.' People will figure it out."

Modern Gifting

It isn't proper to tell others what to give you. The gift registry was originally invented to let others know of a bridal couple's china pattern, not to post a shopping list on the Internet, says Martin, who equates the modern practice to begging.

"The worst problem today is the blatant, unashamed expression of greed," she says. "People who demand specific items and cash from friends and relatives with the excuse they are having some milestone in life such as birthdays, graduation or getting married . they don't realize other people have control of how they spend their own money."And while she acknowledges that people are "wildly greedy for cash," giving money isn't charming. It takes no thought, and the biggest disadvantage is that the recipient knows how much you spent.

"A present is better than the cash, from the taste point of view," she says. "Cash isn't a present. It's paying someone."

A Note of Thanks

One good piece of news, according to Boyd, is that the art of giving is alive and well in Southwest Florida. "In the past few years a nice, nice bottle of wine seems to be the ultimate gift to take," Boyd says. "I think the Naples Winter Wine Festival has created a lot of that sensation here."

Expressing thanks after a nice gesture or gift still must be more than simply a phone call, says Letitia Baldrige, a renowned etiquette authority who served as chief of staff for Jacqueline Kennedy in the White House. "A telephone call is nothing," she says. "You've got to go on record."

E-mail is acceptable in some cases, such as for nice but small gestures, Martin says. "There are a lot of things that can be handled by e-mail," she says. "But if you invited me to a formal dinner, I would send a formal response."

And speaking of invitations to dinner, the most appropriate way to express your gratitude is not to simply say thanks, but to reciprocate, Martin says.

Passing It On

Our experts agree that the one way to ensure good manners survive is to teach our children. Mitchell says if we can teach children to be grateful, etiquette will follow. "From an attitude of gratefulness springs an attitude of respect," she says. "From an attitude of respect springs good manners."

And ultimately, it's the everyday niceties that make life run more smoothly for everyone, says Post. "I think it's so crucial to set a good example for our children," she says. "We are also setting a good example for each other. Courtesy is contagious; let's start an epidemic."

The Joy of Writing Letters

The Joy of Writing Letters

When was the last time you received a personal letter in the mail? Can't quite remember? Letitia Baldrige thinks that's a shame.

"One of the saddest dilemmas in personal relations today is that we do not know how to write a letter," says Baldrige, author of New Manners for New Times. "We think e-mails and telephone messages are going to do the job. But a letter is a most delightful way to communicate."

Here are a few rules Baldrige suggests when taking pen to paper:

. Use nice paper, not a yellow legal pad.

. It doesn't matter if you type it or hand-write it. "My handwriting is so bad . I would never send a long letter," she says.