Telling Locals From Non-Locals

As far as I can tell, Naples, Fort Myers, Bonita Springs and our barrier islands have been on actual printed maps for quite a few years. Still, something very curious happens to people when they land on our shores for the very first time. You can recognize them by their wide-eyed wonder at the unexpected civilization they’ve encountered. As in, "Why, look, Honey, they have Burberry here, too!"

You may recall my recent report on Hernando de Escalante Fontaneda’s vivid account of his 16th century encounter with the Calusa Indians on these same shores. Well, two centuries later comes a letter from Christopher Columbus to Queen Isabella, an excerpt of which I quote verbatim here:
"…the natives seem quite placid, and generous, and the land is like a paradise, with many types of birds, flowers, fruits and palm trees, and they wear jeweled flip-flops out to dinner, and Ace Hardware carries not a single ice-scraper."

Said natives, in various stages of civilization, come in two varieties: True Natives—primarily fishermen and people with major roads named after their granddaddies—and Recent Natives, who weren’t born here but actually live here year-round.

So the explorers land on these shores, buy huge quantities of T-shirts and send postcards home saying "Have discovered Paradise. Natives seem quite placid." For a brief time, these explorers are called Tourists. But after a few visits, they return with pots of gold and sparkly trinkets, and take up residence here—but only in winter, when an ice cap covers the rest of the known world. And thus they become Snowbirds.

The hierarchy of Native-dom and visitor-dom notwithstanding, for the purpose of this little exercise, I’ll call the True Natives and Recent Natives, Locals. The Tourists and Snowbirds, I’ll call Non-Locals. On a slow day here in Paradise, the Locals do occasionally indulge in a harmless diversion called Spot the Non-Local. The greatest number of points are earned both for the complexity of the clue and the width of the smile it evokes. The obvious clues, such as skin tone, are barely worth any points at all. Everyone knows that Snowbirds have deep bronze tans; Tourists have flame-broiled flesh, and (Caucasian) Locals are as pale as the driven snow. Brown- and black-skinned Locals get a free pass. Also practically worthless is the T-Shirt Clue. As much as we love our homeland, Locals will never be spotted in public wearing "I (Heart) Sanibel" on our chests.

What most Locals don’t know is that Non-Locals have their little game too. Oh yes, just watch them enjoying a balmy winter evening at the outdoor wine bar, rolling their eyes at the folks huddled for warmth inside: "Look at the wimpy Locals in there—can’t take a mere 60 degrees!"
And as one Non-Local observes (and I have this in writing): "If you have a boat, and it’s pretty crappy … and you have a large pickup truck … and you say fishin’, instead of fishing, you’re definitely a True Native."

A Local who’s in a professional position to know whereof he speaks, says: "If you own $80 million worth of prime real estate and you still order off the dollar menu, you’re a True Native.
Want to foil the game? Here, according to my reliable sources, are some surefire ways to get you pigeonholed as a Tourist, a Snowbird, a True Native or a Recent Native.

THE CROC-AND-GATOR CLUES
Non-Locals sometimes ask, "Where are the crocodiles?" Answer: You’ll find a few crocs in the zoo, and an obscene number of them (with a capital "C") in the shops. We have alligators here.
Non-Locals always ask: "Where are the alligators?" (Are you kidding?) Answer: In every body of water except your swimming pool and your bathtub. Actually, strike the swimming pool. By the way, if you need to see a swarm of gators, Lake Trafford is reputedly the highest-density alligator lake in all of Florida.

THE FRENCH FRY CLUE
When Non-Locals toss up French fries to the seagulls, the Locals scatter. A seagull is to Southwest Florida what a pigeon is to New York City—delightful to watch in the park or on the beach, but, less thrillingly, a dispenser of copious surprises from the air. Tip for faking it: Never feed anything wild.

THE SPRAY STARCH CLUE
You’re definitely suspect as a Non-Local if your golf shirts and shorts are neatly pressed and creased. It’s the prerogative and pride of the Natives to go out looking like an unmade bed. It screams, "I live here year-round and can come out dressed any way I want."

THE BLOOD-RED CLUE
You’re definitely a Tourist if you register to have crates of oranges shipped to yourself. Only Tourists know what honey-bell and blood-red oranges are, and the genetic lineage of grapefruits. Locals just eat them. Tip for faking it: discuss oranges only in the context of their juice’s ability to support various flavors of Absolut vodka.

HAVING A "LITTLE WORK" DONE?
If the answer to this question is "Yep, the boat’s in the shop again," you’ve got yourself a True Native. Otherwise, think nip and tuck.

THE STATUS TAG GIVEAWAY
If the suspect’s auto status plate matches the name of a gated community, think Snowbird!

THE TOP-DOWN, RED-CONVERTIBLE CLUE
If your primary vehicle is a red convertible valued under $50,000, and you’re driving with the top down in August, you may as well wear the name tag, "Hello, My Name is Tourist." Locals prize their air conditioning. Red convertibles valued over $50,000 with the top down in February are exempt.

HOLDING HANDS? GOTCHA!
According to one Local, couples holding hands while strolling on the beach, entering a restaurant or window shopping are definitely Non-Locals on a romantic vacation: "If I grabbed for my wife’s hand while walking around Waterside Shops, she’d assume I was having a stroke and scream for help."

FOR NON-LOCALS ONLY: 6 WAYS TO FAKE IT
1. Seashell Stuff
Always transport your seashell-themed purchases in a plain brown wrapper. Acceptable uses include edible seashells for wedding favors and houseguest pillow amenities, tasteful seashell jewelry (gold and silver only), and original, hand-signed seashell art.

2. Bird Physiology
No, that "poor little seagull" does not have just one foot. They often stand that way, partly because it’s comfortable, and partly to evoke the sympathy of Non-Locals.

3. Street Savvy
Learn to call the street names what the Locals call them. The signs say "Airport-Pulling" and "Goodlette-Frank," but, please, lose the Pulling and the Frank, or you’re busted.

4. White Pants Protocol
Everyone here wears white pants. Locals have learned to wear neutral-toned undergarments. Anything else screams Hey! Non-local here!

5. Rule for Gawking
We’re all guilty of this one, but please, refrain from asking, "Is that a house or a hotel?"

6. The Whole Enchilada
Don’t ask the price of a whole stone crab. That works for lobsters, but a stone crab sacrifices only its big claw before returning to the water to grow a new one.
Oh, and here’s one you just can’t win. According to my sources, the biggest yuk among both Locals and Non-Locals involves our famous Southwest Florida U-turns. My mailbag is running neck-and-neck with the following comments:
a: If you cross three lanes of traffic to make a U-turn, you’re definitely a
Non-Local.
b: If you cross three lanes of traffic to make a U-turn, you’re definitely
a Local.

So, dear True Natives, fellow Recent Natives, Snowbirds and Tourists, have fun playing the game. If you have any additional clues you’d like to share, please drop me a note. Enjoy our unique brand of diversity, and always, savor the moment.