How Good Is Your Gulfshore IQ? 

Whether you’re a newcomer to our shores or a local who thinks you’ve got it all figured out, here’s a little quiz to test your Gulfshore savvy.

1. Construction along the Gulfshore must be delayed by law in the case of:

__a. Mudslides

__b. Freezing rain

__c. Osprey babies in the nest

2. Which of these indulgences can NOT be found on a local spa menu?

__a. Papaya and pineapple scrub and a green tea cocoon wrap

__b. Milk and honey body wrap

__c. Cinnamon, vanilla, honey and sugar body polish with a coconut oil finale

__d. Stone-crab claw-meat facial with drawn butter moisturizing finish

__e. Crushed seashell body mask

3. Which of these cruises can you NOT normally find here in paradise?

__a. Lunch cruise, sunset cruise, champagne cruise or dinner cruise

__b. Shelling cruise, remote island cruise or sightseeing cruise

__c. Dolphin cruise, manatee cruise or bird-watching cruise

__d. Suri Cruise

__e. Wedding cruise, engagement cruise, birthday cruise or anniversary cruise

__f. Yacht cruise, pontoon cruise or catamaran cruise

4. Check all tropical delicacies that grow here.

__a. Grapefruit-size avocadoes

__b. Key limes

__c. Mangoes and papayas

__d. Lychees

__e. Starfruit

__f. Chocolate pudding fruit

__g. Strawberries, blueberries and tomatoes

__h. Macadamia nuts

__i. The sweetest oranges and grapefruits in the known universe

__j. All of the above

5. Among the most exciting game fish here on the Gulfshore are snook, which average between 3 and 15 pounds. The world record snook caught on fly was landed on Chokoloskee Island in 1993. It weighed:

__a. 22 pounds 11 ounces

__b. 30 pounds 4 ounces

__c. 53 pounds 10 ounces

6. Which is NOT among the top 10 dangers to visitors?

__a. First-day sunburn

__b. Shark attack

__c. Fine food overload

__d. So much to do, so little time

__e. Date and time disorientation (Who cares? We’re on vacation!)

__f. Overwhelming sense of peace and tranquility

__g. End-of-vacation blues

7. Check all palm trees one might see along the Gulfshore:

__a. Cuban Petticoat Palm

__b. Bahamian Corset Palm

__c. Prada Bag Palm

__d. Lipstick Palm

__e. Hairspray Palm

__f. Tourists Palm

__g. Travelers Palm

__h. Pom Palm

8. Which, if any, of these outrageous rituals might you actually witness here in paradise?

__a. Women dress up like buzzards and dance for the title of Buzzard Lope Queen.

__b. A young festival queen in a formal gown gets dumped into a mud pit called the Sippy Hole

__c. Politicians, business people and socialites in outrageous costumes transform respectable canoes into everything from hamburgers to game pieces and race them in Naples Bay.

__d. All of the above

__e. None of the above, silly

9. What color is Key lime pie?

__a. Lime green

__b. Key lime green

__c. Bright yellow

__d. Pale yellow

10. Which idyllic, uninhabited barrier island can only be reached by private boat or ferry?

__a. Cayo Costa

__b. Costa Rica

__c. Costco

11. Which weapons have defended our paradise from invasion at various times in history?

__a. Oyster shell spears

__b. Conch shell clubs

__c. Sea grape sabers embedded with tiger shark teeth and decorated with human hair

__d. Yukon Gold potatoes

__e. Humidity

__f. All of the above

12. A Swamp Angel is a:

__a. Mythological Calusa princess sometimes seen on moonless nights

__b. Seminole medicine woman

__c. Giant sulphur moth that resembles a hummingbird

__d. Mosquito in the Everglades

__e. Rare white orchid with wing-like petals

13. What is the Southwest Florida definition of "mounds"?

__a. Chocolate bars with nuts

__b. Chocolate bars without nuts

__c. Huge piles of oyster, mussel, clam and conch shells made by prehistoric Indians 

ANSWERS AND SCORING

12-13 correct: Congratulations! You’re a real insider.

8-11 correct: Not bad, but you really should get out more.

10 or fewer correct: Welcome to paradise. Take off your heavy coat and stay awhile!

1. c. Honest!

2. d. Sorry, no stone-crab facials on any spa menus yet, but check out our local restaurant menus from October to May.

3. d. Though rumors persist that her famous dad has ties to the Gulfshore, we cannot confirm a Suri Cruise here in paradise at this time.

4. j. Bet you didn’t check (f), did you? Actually locally grown black sapote fruit has a brown creamy pulp that tastes a lot like chocolate. If you didn’t check (h), surprise! Some Florida growers hope to rival Hawaii someday in macadamia farming.

5. b. By conventional tackle, the world record to date is (c). Snook fishing is catch-and-release only until September 2012.

6. b. So enjoy your swim!

7. a, d and g. Florida has hundreds of varieties of palm trees. The Sabal Palm is Florida’s state tree. At its core is that delicacy, heart of palm, also known as swamp cabbage. Put away the machete, though-Sabal Palms are protected by law.

8. d. Seriously. You can see—or even attempt—the Buzzard Lope dance any Saturday or Sunday afternoon from October to May at Stan’s Idle Hour on Goodland. Watch the Swamp Buggy Queen get dunked in the Sippy Hole following the October Swamp Buggy Races. And stick around in May for the greatest end-of-season party of all—the Great Dock Canoe Race at the Naples City Dock.

9. d. Outlanders, please pay attention if you plan to open a restaurant here. No lime-green food coloring, please.

10. a. This state park just north of Captiva Island is a fishing, camping, shelling and day-tripping paradise.

11. f. If you didn’t check (e), you’d be wrong, because the irrational fear of humidity has most assuredly saved the Gulfshore from rampant overpopulation. If you didn’t check (d), you obviously weren’t around during the Civil War, when Yankee-sympathizing residents of Useppa Island defended their island by lobbing Yukon Gold potatoes at passing Confederate ships.

12. d. This swamp angel is no angel. Luckily, only 11 of the 43 varieties of Everglades mosquitoes actually bite. Sorry to report, however, that only the females are out for our blood. They need it for breeding. But don’t worry. Just avoid swampy areas near dawn or dusk after a heavy rain, especially in summer.

13. c. Also called middens, some of these ancient oyster piles have modern names, like Marco Island. Yes, the entire island is a Calusa shell mound. That’s a lot of prehistoric seafood feasts.