Singles Scene

Judging the Mixer Guys

BY June 2, 2012

Mixers, networking seminars and happy hours are all perfectly good ways to meet someone special. And thanks to Southwest Florida’s professional community, there is ample opportunity to stumble across someone worth meeting every night of the week. Just don’t tell their wives.

Yes, it’s true that married men continue to dominate the singles scene here in Florida. They’re successful, moderately well-dressed and are willing to pick up a check. All the things people look for in a significant other. But, ladies—and here is where I need you to pay close attention—they are bad choices. They might look good from the outside—with their tailored shirts and fancy shoes—but on the inside, they’re married to a woman who picked out those things. Of course, I can’t blame you for liking shiny things. We all do. But you must stick to single guys. It’s in everyone’s best interest.

According to young Louellen, a lovely dirty blonde transplant to the area whom we met at a recent mixer of indeterminate purpose, “It’s hard to tell one guy from the next here.” In her defense, everyone at the mixer was either a doctor or a lawyer or a politician—and they do tend to blend. But I believe she was speaking of something more endemic of the region and not just the second floor of an office building in Naples. Dudes here can be dull. And no amount of Maserati key chains and Ferragamo loafers will truly help differentiate one from another.

We wanted to tell Louellen to run back to the hills of Tennessee (although we’re not sure that is where she came from) and find a guy twice removed from her mother’s side. But that wouldn’t be fair to all of the great single guys right here who are being overpowered by married men with attitude. Married men have a head start based on the fact that they already know what women want to hear and how to lie effectively in the face of adversity (a.k.a. intense female scrutiny). Comparative charm and clean shirts are powerful aphrodisiacs for Netflix subscribers.

So, in order to help girls like Louellen, I suggest guys pin an “I’m Single” to their shirts. It’ll help level the playing field and is a nice conversation starter at the mixers.

The Chronicles of Miss X: I met someone for lunch Monday. He was nice. We sat and talked for four hours—mostly about the music we like and the concerts we’ve attended. Afterwards, he texted his interest, leaving the ball in my court. I’m thinking I’d like to invite him to go do something else. No extreme texts. No rants. No red flags—so far. For once a positive experience! (Next week: we learn more about Positive Experience Lunch Guy.)

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