Singles Scene

St. Valentine's Day Masochist

BY February 11, 2012

If you are single, this Tuesday is a day meant to make you feel as though you are going to die alone. That’s the good news. The bad news is that you are going to have live through those 24 miserable hours watching other people get flowers, chocolates and cards, while they go on and on about how romantic their spouse/partner/fwb is. Ugh. It’s enough to make you consider lowering your standards just to join the party. But from a financial standpoint, the singles among us will be saving approximately $126.03 according to a recent survey conducted by the National Retail Federation. That’s how much the average idiot will spend trying to get their spouse/partner/fwb to say nice things about them to their co-workers. Thank god the rest of us are too smart for that. We won’t be sucked into that for at least another year.

But what can we, the single, do to celebrate the nauseousness that is Valentine’s Day? I’ll tell you: We’re going to take back this day—because love is killing a perfectly good Tuesday. Lets start out by printing out some VD cards at that really drive the point home with sayings such as “You’ll Do,” “Nothing says ‘You’re Special’ like a mass-produced sentiment written by someone else” or “I love you blah blah blah hearts & flowers yadda yadda yadda kisses, cupid, etc.” Feel free to litter them about your workplace. Then start a tradition where you give your committed co-workers hideous keepsakes to celebrate the day, such dead weeds pulled from the crack in your driveway, single grapes found on the floor of the grocery store or old issues of The Watchtower. They deserve a little yin with their yang. The more obnoxious they are about their love, the more thoughtful your gift. Don’t forget the card.

After work you can check out the few events in SWFL acknowledging the backside of Cupid, but they are few and far between and don’t seem to really understand that theme parties require more than just a label in order to make them work. We need to look to the city of Chicago to see how to cater to the needs of angry singles. Chicago does the anti-Valentine’s Day party like no one else (probably because they’ve had some trouble with the holiday in the past). Amongst their celebrations of the day are an Anti-Valentine’s Day party hosted by comedians Seth & Kellen replete with inebriated roller derby girls. Maybe we should all fly to Chicago.

But we won’t, so when you get home rent “Fatal Attraction” or “The Way We Were” on Netflix and thank your lucky stars that today of all days, you can eat something that makes you totally bloated and you not care. Throw your dirty clothes on the floor and leave dishes in the sink. Drink milk from the carton. Tuesday is your day! Don’t let that diaper-wearing chubby archer keep you down! After all, you are $126.03 richer than every other sucker in town.

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